just the beginning.

Jesse wonders if he's real while he drinks chocolate milk out of the carton. His milk mustache glistens -- almost sourly -- in the heat of the dying summer sun. This happens every fall, he supposes. Everything -- EVERYTHING -- is a never-ending hamster wheel. Thank god for those moments, those perfect, precious moments of existence in which he truly feels alive. One deep breath of crisp autumnal air and he is filled with a mixture of familiarity, anxiety, and adventure.

School. Its time for school.  Squinting carefully at the trees that line the street, he gets dust on his white t-shirt from leaning against his brother's old mountain bike. He never learned how to make a sandwich, and that concerns him almost as much as the uncertain eye-twitches of his perfectly plain history teacher. Is her eye dry? Does she need eyedrops? Is she winking? So, he waits patiently til most of the afterschool hubbub has subsided and visits with her every Tuesday and Thursday while she grades papers, his cheeks rose-red with a mixture of pride, embarrassment, silent courage, and impossible hope. 

I miss your body... and, as you so eloquently described, worshipping your body; studying the softness, the curves, the sensitivities it holds... watching it -- feeling it -- react to the thoughtful touch of my fingertips, the desperate swirl of my tongue, the gentle nuzzling of my nose&cheeks... I miss holding you, wrapping you up in my arms completely, tightly, like a big, familiar comforter. I miss laying on one another, naked, warm, red-cheeked and covered in goosebumps... feeling each other breathe in&out, feeling each other's energy... 

be mine, always.

you like me, you care about me... maybe not love me, kinda don't trust me... I guess maybe I've been focusing too hard on the fact that I'm not the person I used to be instead of just being the best person I can?




keep your head up keep your head up.